Found…

There were many times when I had to act, move through a panic attack by speaking up in a conflict, or facing someone that reminded me of my father while my insides churned to mush. I didn’t act. I ran. I ran hard, and fast and far, far away. One day I just got sick and tired of feeling worthless. I knew that what my body was experiencing did not match my reality. No one was holding me hostage, or threatening my life, so logic and reasoning said “I shouldn’t feel this way”. I locked into that belief and pushed through the next panic attack. I was going to get to the other side of this with sheer will.

It was grit that got me through that first experience of facing fear. It wasn’t pretty. I sounded incompetent, and looked terrified. Did I mention this was in a board room. Yep, it was pretty bad. That second time I faced fear, it wasn’t as intense. It dropped a few levels, and I was aware of the change, and ecstatic. My physicality was jumping around from a lack of confidence to jubilation. Everyone surrounding that lovely mahogany table would have signed off on sending me to a padded room. I didn’t care. I found the fix, and now I had to repeat it until the panic levels came down.

I realized that I couldn’t wait for courage, because that came later. I had to create a new behavior to erase the old one. In came, confidence and with it courage. Even though pushing through was challenging, I was using my survivorship in a new way, and I found my capabilities.


Painting titled: “found”, acrylic on canvas, 24” x 24”